The Young and the [oh so] Restless
Being so young and so restless is not how I imagined the days of our lives.
I’m just going to come right out and say it: I am tired. Mentally. Tired of waking up after 10+ hours of sleep and reliving the same day over and over and over. Tired of putting my best foot forward only to be knocked three steps back. Tired of having to put on a brave face to recite “I’m doing good” every time I come in contact with someone, knowing on the inside I’m one more “-but at this time, we have decided to not move forward- ” away from losing it. Tired of sorting through my responsibilities as best as I can to then feel like my best was not good enough. Tired of sitting down to write out a blog post on something I am feeling only to end up putting it off for weeks as I don’t know the right words to say.
Which brings me to where we are right now.
With full transparency, this post was supposed to be published at the start of this month. In an attempt to get on a somewhat concrete schedule for blogging, I drafted this post two times before deleting it and starting all over from scratch. Two times, I made bullet points on what each paragraph would talk about only to let days and weeks come and go with little to no progress made. I felt so drained about everything surrounding me that sitting down to work through and grammatically construct my thoughts felt like it was only adding to my restlessness instead of relieving it.
In a conversation between a few friends and I, we agreed that life became more overwhelming once we crossed that stage at graduation. While we knew things wouldn’t be the same and that we were now fully in control of our time and our lives, we didn’t expect it to be so hard to navigate. We believed that obtaining our degrees would put an end to some, if not all, of our worries and life beyond the bricks of college would be filled with vast opportunities, beautiful adventures and an abundance of time to become who we dream of being. Yet, between a never ending pandemic, a mountain of new, overwhelming responsibilities, and the fear that time will pass us by before we really get a chance to live...the days of our lives now seem full of the unexplainable and the unattainable.
Now don’t get me wrong: I know it’s not supposed to be all beautiful, bright rainbows framing vast meadows filled with flowers and frolicaling unicorns; no, I know that is not what it’s supposed to be like. Your first few tries at something will not be successful but they are necessary in order for you to understand what true success and ownership of your dreams feels like. You will feel discouraged; that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get it right and it's better to give up. However, those thoughts and emotions are only setting you up to truly bask in the fruits of your hard work and perseverance. You will get tired; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You will feel like a failure and that you are not equipped to handle the next big chapter in your life. That your efforts in balancing your responsibilities and your desires are not working when it is. The painful, excruciatingly long crawl you have to endure comes right before you walk into your true, new beginning. It’s just taking time for it all to sink in, for it to come to fruition. It's just taking time for me, you and anyone else experiencing this to get to that place where this restless feeling will turn into energy so overwhelmingly passionate for what you are meant to do. Our restlessness has no true origin but does serve a greater purpose. One in which we may not know of now but will be thankful for in the long run.
If you have made it to the end, allow me to apologize. This post seems all over the place and incomplete — which accurately represents where I am. All over the place with what I should be doing with my life and free time. Incomplete as I have yet to truly uncover (or at least effectively utilize) what it is that I am meant to be doing. The restlessness from worrying about my future. Restless about feeling so stagnant in my present. However, despite how unexpected these feelings may be and how odd it may sound, I am thankful for this time of restlessness. The time spent laying in bed, being weighed down by my own unproductiveness until I am forced to get up and do something. To search for something new; something that will spark and feed the creativity inside me. The feeling of being all over the place will be worth it after I finally find where I’m supposed to be and become who I am meant to become. This period of restlessness in my young life, as overwhelming as it feels, will one day be my fuel to keep going when I am full of energy again. Fuel me to never become familiar with these feelings ever again. Fuel me to be grateful for all I have and all I am destined to possess. Fuel me, and hopefully you as well, to be more accepting of the bad times knowing that the good times are not far behind.